Bad Advice Pt. 3: How to Wreck a Relationship

February 19, 2017                     NOTES NOT EDITED
Bad Advice, Pt.3: “How to Wreck a Relationship”

1Samuel 18:1-30

SIS: Maintaining healthy relationships is perhaps the most important and most difficult task we face as human beings.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, BUT ALWAYS A BIT TRICKY. 

It would seem that a “family relationship” would be the most durable of any relationships a person can have on earth.  Sadly, that’s not the case.  Even the smallest misunderstanding can permanently damage a relationship.  I remember a farmer who had four sons.  Three of the sons stayed on the farm and took it over after the father reached an age where he could not run the farm anymore.  One of the four sons decided farming was not in his blood and set off for the “big city.”  He became very successful financially.  The other brother felt the departing sibling was sherking his duties and was abandoning the father.  The city-dwelling brother assured the others, this was not the case.  The city brother promised that when the father died, he would take care of all the expenses for a fine funeral.  Within just a couple years, the father passed away.  The family gave the old farmer a fine funeral, and sent the bill to the city brother.  The wealthy brother paid the bill quickly and without question.  The wealthy brother noticed that he got another bill the next month for $32.50.  The same for the next month and every month.  He soon got tired of paying the $32.50 bill and called his brothers and asked why they kept sending him a monthly bill when he had paid the funeral home for the expenses.  The older brother gave this answer:  “Well, didn’t you say you would pay for the funeral expenses for a fine funeral for Dad?”  The city brother answered yes.  The older brother added, “Well, we rented Dad a tuxedo to be buried in!”

Money issues are a good way to “wreck a relationship.”  Relationships have been wrecked over squabbles much less significant.  In fact, some people seem to have a special talent for “wrecking relationships”—their own as well as others.  The remind me of an animated Disney character named, “Wreck-It Ralph.”  Wrecking things was his occupation.  He went to work every day in a video game.  Wreck-It Ralph was the villain who would wreck things, and Fix-It Felix was the good-guy who would fix what Ralph wrecked with a magic hammer.  You are probably thinking, “Pastor, we are a little old for Disney movies.”  Well, it is amazing how well Disney can hide important truths behind magical creatures.  Being a “Wreck-It Ralph” and being good a “destroying things” will leave you lonely and forlorn.  Think about what happens when we get good at “Wrecking Relationships” as we saw earlier in the clip of Ralph at a therapy session for animated “bad guys.”

As Wreck-It Ralph pointed admitted, “I’m really good at my job of wrecking stuff.”  But, being good at a bad thing will never bring you happiness and fulfillment—especially if you are “good at bad relationships.” 

However, for those that have great relationships and feel totally fulfilled and full of happiness, but you are tired of having great relationships and want to know how to “wreck a relationship,” I have some good “bad advice” for you.  Let’s read about a man in the Bible that “wrecked a great relationship” with a great young man, and ultimately wrecked his relationship with God.  1Sam. 18:5-30

Here’s six explosive ingredients that will absolutely wreck any relationship.

Let me briefly update you where we are in the story of Saul’s life, that led up to the time he “wrecked” his relationship with David, and ultimately with God.

Now, let’s see how Saul was so successful in destroying a relationship with such potential for God.  Pay close attention.  Bad advice is easy to come by, but it ain’t cheap.

1.  Jealousy (18:5, 8-9)

⁵ David marched out with the army and was successful in everything Saul sent him to do. Saul put him in command of the soldiers, which pleased all the people and Saul’s servants as well. ⁶ As the troops were coming back, when David was returning from killing the Philistine, the women came out from all the cities of Israel to meet King Saul,  singing and dancing with tambourines, with shouts of joy, and with three-stringed instruments. ⁷ As they celebrated, the women sang: Saul has killed his thousands, but David his tens of thousands. ⁸ Saul was furious and resented this song.  “They credited tens of thousands to David,” he complained, “but they only credited me with thousands. What more can he have but the kingdom?”  ⁹ So Saul watched David jealously from that day forward.

Many translations follow a more literal translation of verse 9, such as the ESV, “Saul eyed David.”  The original word carries the idea of “iniquity, or evil-doing.”  Literally it means to “be bent, or crooked,” both physically and metaphorically.  The NIV gives us perhaps the best rendering, “Saul kept a jealous eye on David.”  We have a similar expression in English.  “We refer to someone giving someone else the evil eye.”

The immediate context clearly indicates that Saul’s concern arose out of a malevolent heart griped by a jealous spirit.  Jealousy makes a good relationship impossible.  In order to have a good relationship with others, we must be willing, able, and even excited to rejoice in the good that another does, or a the good that befalls them.  Jealousy makes this impossible. 

Jealousy is a multi-pronged enemy.  Jealousy is really a form of “self-loathing.”  We feel jealous because we feel “inadequate.”  When a wife catches her 60 years old husband taking a “longer than appropriate” glance at a college age, right-out-of-Vogue Magazine, young lady, the woman is not jealous because of any “real” threat.  Jealousy shines a light on one’s feelings of inadequacy.  It becomes a form of self-loathing.

Jealousy also wrecks relationships because if feeds into a “need to control situations, and possess things—include people.”  The spirit of jealously views others as “object for our enjoyment.”  A relationship that requires such a tight grip on someone else is destined to end up in a pile of rubble.

Ironically, the same spirit of jealousy that causes a misguided self-loathing, also exhibits an idolatrous pride.  We see what another has, or has accomplished, and we feel the praise and profit they receive should be ours.  Jealousy is like swimming in a school of stinging jellyfish.  No matter what direction you go, jealousy will bring a nasty sting.  Jealousy is a guaranteed ingredient in baking a bad relationship.  Jealousy turns windows into mirrors and we get trapped in a world no bigger than ourselves.  A sure relationship wrecker.

2.  Generally Bad Attitude (18:10)

¹⁰ The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully upon Saul.

How many of you have heard of a lady called, “Debbie Downer?”

VIDEO

A “Debbie Downer” refers to a person is always, “The life of the party . . . when they leave.”  Debbie Downers are not people who see a glass as half full, they see every glass is full of poison.

A negative, pervasive spirit or gloom and despair, is “an evil spirit.”  Consider the terrible hardship, disappoint, and pain our Lord faced in His life:  the hardship of being an itinerant preacher with no place of His own; the constant attacks He received from the religious establishment; the rejection from people of His home town, including his own family members; and, of course, the horrible suffering the Lord endured before and during His crucifixion.  Yet, here is how the Bible describes Our Lord (Hebrews 1:8-9):

⁸ But about the Son he says, “Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever, and righteousness will be the scepter of your kingdom. ⁹You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.”

This is a quote from the Book of Psalms (Ps. 45:6-7).  Of the hundreds of references to Jesus as the Messiah, speaks more to me about the relationship Jesus had with the Father than perhaps any other.  The Father would one day bring to bear upon His Son, Jesus, all of the wrath due for all sins of all people who ever lived or ever would live—and yet, Jesus was not a gloomy figure in history.  Jesus is the quintessentially shining Star of the Universe that defines joy and brightness of Spirit.  To be a gloomy, hate-filled Debbie Downer is not only ungodly, but evil.  It leads to someone that is not only gloomy, but violent and full of rage and anger.  Not someone anyone chooses to be around.  A real “relationship wrecker.”

But, in order to have an “evil, gloomy spirit” in one’s heart, we must make room for it.  An evil spirit and the Spirit of God cannot occupy the same heart.  It is one or the other.  Look back to 1Sam. 16:14:

¹⁴ Now the Spirit of the Lord had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.

Saul choose to rebel against God’s authority in his life.  He rejected taking a servant position with God.  Saul wanted to “run his own life” in the words immortalized by the Isley Brothers pop song.  I can hear Saul singing these lyrics in response to God choosing David to be Israel’s king in Saul’s place,

Sunshine go away today
I don't feel much like dancing
Some man's gone, he's tried to run my life
He don't know what he's asking
……………………………………..
How much does it cost?
I'll buy it // The time is all we've lost
I'll try it // He can't even run his own life
I'll be darned if he'll run mine, sunshine

Saul wrecked his relationship with God and now he had no sunshine in his life.  Saul was just a gloomy, grumpy old man with an empty heart that would provide ample space for an evil spirit.  Saul was the original “Debbie Downer.”  A sure way to “wreck relationships.”

3.  Gullibility (18:22-25)

You can wreck a relationship by what you do, but another way to wreck a relationship is by what you don’t do.  That is, you don’t protect yourself from becoming a pawn in someone’s story.  It’s easy to become a victim of someone else’s self-centered plot to use you for their personal gain.  Look at verses 22-23:

²² Saul then ordered his servants, “Speak to David in private and tell him, ‘Look, the king is pleased with you, and all his servants love you. Therefore, you should become the king’s son-in-law.’ ”

²³ Saul’s servants reported these words directly to David, but he replied, “Is it trivial in your sight to become the king’s son-in-law? I am a poor man who is common.”

There’s an old adage in regard to overcoming one’s enemies that states:  “If you can’t beat ‘em—join ‘em.”  Another version of that is the adage:  “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”  These are both very effective strategies to overcome an enemy.  Saul’s version of this strategy was to offer one of his daughters to be the wife of David.  Actually, Saul would try this two different times with two different daughters.  David rejected the offer, which was wise because Saul’s intentions were not honorable.  Saul knew David was too poor to pay the “bride price” (v25).  Saul was going to allow David to trade his valor for his daughter.  Look at Saul’s offer and David’s response:

¹⁷ Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the Lord.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”  ¹⁸ But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my father’s clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?”

We know that God guides every decision in our lives, even if we make bad ones, God’s plan for our lives will ultimately carry the day—though the more bad choices we make, the more painful the outworking of God’s plan will be.

David was not “gullible.”  He didn’t grasp for the brass ring when it was offered.  He did go to battle against the Philistines, but did not fail and die as Saul had hoped.  David returned with the “bride price” Saul had established:  Philistines “scalps”—well, a kind of scalp.  Look at verse 25:

²⁵ Then Saul replied, “Say this to David: ‘The king desires no other bride-price  except 100 Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’ ”  Actually, Saul intended to cause David’s death at the hands of the Philistines. ²⁶ When the servants reported these terms to David, he was pleased  to become the king’s son-in-law. Before the wedding day arrived,  ²⁷ David and his men went out and killed 200  Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented them as full payment to the king to become his son-in-law

David did eventually take the bait.  From a human standpoint, he was gullible and could not resist a “beautiful woman and a prominent place in the kingdom.”  When we allow ourselves to be used to fulfill the selfish desires of another person, a healthy relationship is not possible.  Selfish people gobble up gullible people to satiate their own appetites and pleasures.  Being gullible is a sure way to “wreck a relationship.”

4.  Gossip (18:24)

There are many more ways to “wreck a relationship” than I will cover in this sermon on Bad Advice.  I want to close with perhaps the most powerful explosive that can be used to “wreck a relationship.”  That explosive is, “gossip.”  Look at verse 21 to see Saul putting cheese on the gossip trap:

²¹ “I’ll give her to him,” Saul thought. “She’ll be a trap for him, and the hand of the Philistines will be against him.

Then, look at how others get into the “gossip ring” in verse 22:

²² Saul then ordered his servants, “Speak to David in private and tell him, ‘Look, the king is pleased with you, and all his servants love you. Therefore, you should become the king’s son-in-law.’ ”

Gossip thrives on secrecy.  I can almost hear the “hissing sound of Satan” as the servants speak the words—and I’ll paraphrase and dramatize it a bit for effect—“Hey, David.  Guess what we overheard Saul saying about you?  He really likes you.  He speaks so highly of you and wants you to be his son-in-law.”

Of course, Saul thought no such thing.  He hated David.  Gossipers thrive on trying to play both sides of the field.  Notice, that the servants felt no compulsion to say to Saul what David really said.  David once again rejected the offer, and said (verse 23):

“Don’t you realize it is no trivial matter for a person to become the son-in-law of the king!  Especially someone like me.”  Yet, not bound by truth and wanting to gain favor with Saul the servants reported back to the king saying, and again I’ll paraphrase:

“Saul.  David’s excited about becoming your servant, but just needs to know what you would take in place of money for the “bride price?” (verse 24).

Of course, the gossiping servants didn’t care about David.  They didn’t care about truth.  They just cared about gaining something—favor with the king—for themselves. 

Gossips destroy relationships because they have ulterior motives—and the motives are always in their favor.  As soon as a “third party” (or parties) are inserted into a relationship, the crumbling of the relationship has begun.  Relationships survive on straight talk, not the twisted stories of gossipers bending the truth for their own twisted purpose.

If you want to destroy a great relationship you have with someone—even a spouse—just start listening to gossip.  Gossip will bring down a relationship into a heap of rubble faster than just about anything.

As I said, there are many more ways to “wreck a relationship” than these four explosive ingredients:  jealousy, a generally grumpy disposition, being a gullible dupe for someone else’s pleasure, and listening to gossip by persons who only have their own best interests in mind.  These aren’t all the ingredients that will “wreck a relationship,” but they will give you a good start.

There is only one ingredient that you must absolutely avoid if you want to “wreck relationships.”  That is “commitment.”  Look at vs. 1:

When David had finished speaking with Saul, Jonathan committed himself to David, and loved him
as much as he loved himself.

Jonathan, Saul’s son, is a very special person in Scripture.  He is honorable.  He is brave.  He is loving.  And, most of all, he is loyal.  These are all ingredients for a great relationship, which can be summed up in one word, commitment. 

Not often, but occasionally, I will read how a particular verse is translated in certain versions and wonder:  “why did they feel the need to improve upon a literal translation?”  I am appreciative of all the varied translation we have available today.  We can understand “commitment” better from this verse by looking at a more literal translation, such as the ESV.  It translates the words translated by the HCSB and others as “commitment” with the phrase, “Jonathan was knit to the soul of David!” 

The only way to avoid “wrecking a relationship” is to “attach yourself so completely—knit yourself together—to the other person that to destroy them would be to destroy yourself.  That is “commitment.”
If ever there were a sermon I’d love for you to ignore:  it would be this one:  “How to Wreck a Relationship.”  When a relationship is shattered, many other relationships are damaged by the falling debris.

Take great care with relationships.  The life you save may be your own.  Pay careful attention to the instructions in God’s Word that tell us how to “Love God with all our heat, with all our soul, and all our mind; and, to love our neighbor as ourselves.” (Mt. 22:37-38).

I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is to “live by the instructions in God’s Word,” especially with regard to our relationship to Him, and to others.  All of the Law is summarized in those two verses of the Great Commandment.  Violating the instructions can cause extensive damage.

The day was April, 25, 1995.  The Arizona Republic newspaper reported that the home of Steve Tran of Westminster, California, was badly damaged by a fire.  Mr. Tran had a problem with cockroaches.  He decided to use those “bug bomb” fumigators.  He set off the cans of fumigating poison, closed the door and got into his car to do something until the fumigation was finished.  BOOM!  He had left a pilot light on.  When the flammable fumigant mist reached the pilot light on the stove, it ignited.  The blast ripped off the front screen door and sent it flying all the way across the street.  The explosion broke all the windows of his house, and set his furniture on fire.  All totaled, the damage was over $10,000.  He failed to read and obey the directions on the can which clearly say to extinguish pilot lights.

Oh, and the directions also say, “Use No More Than Two Cannisters.”  Mr. Tran used “Twenty-Five!”  And, the first day back after repairs, cockroaches were freely roaming about.

The Bible tells us how important our relationship is with God, and by extension our relationship with others.  Nothing is more important.  Nothing.

Read the Bible and follow all directions for relationships.  There are enough “Wreck-It Ralphs” in the world.